Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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