me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
