Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
