grandma shit on top of the toilet
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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