so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
