I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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