my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
