I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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