i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
