I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
