Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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