I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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