i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
