I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
