How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
