last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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