I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just want to make out with him forever
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?