I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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