My liver just broke up with me...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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