as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
