He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
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Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
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im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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