I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
