So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
