Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
