Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
