The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
