just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
