my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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