I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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