Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
COCAINE IS GR8
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
