if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
God, I missed his penis.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
