Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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