If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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