The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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