he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
