he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He felt like a one man threesome
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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