I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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