Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
