Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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