the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
