Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
