I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
me + whiskey = a bad person
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
