I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
