I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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