Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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