im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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