She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
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OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
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My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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