shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
