i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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