she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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