Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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