I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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