I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
