1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
