you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
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The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
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I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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