Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
