somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
